notice what you notice

That's an old quote I picked up in a writing seminar with Allen Ginsberg.
So what I've been noticing during this time of mega transition is that one gets a bit self conscious.
In case I haven't actually noted the details here:
1) I left a job at Aveda that I'd been at for 6 years. Was really ready to leave, but was blessed to have many beautiful relationships and an awesome physical working environment designed by Maya Lin.
2) I did my Omega residency and leaving that sweet spot is always a lesson in letting go.
3) I started a new job this week.
4) And started a creative coaching certification training.
So it's completely understandable that I might be swirling. Finding new footing. Exploring new ways of being in the world.
New office environments are interesting. Even when they are welcoming, there's the sense of a circle that isn't quite sure it wants to break open and allow something new in. It's very human. We hate change more than boredom.
Expansion can be scary, as I've definitely noticed in the Omega Art Hut where the immensity of possibility can be overwhelming.
I can't say that I have personally handled this transition very gracefully. Perhaps on the exterior it hasn't been as noticeable. But inside, I've been freaking out for about 3 weeks.
The last time I felt this way was when I went for my 1st degree black belt. The whole process took about a month, and was exciting, with a constant buzz of heightened awareness. But the night before the last day of fighting I was terrified. Seriously terrified. Afraid of breaking a bone, passing out, just not having it in me to go all the rounds. Of course the moment I was actually fighting, I was fine. Held my own. And was welcomed into the circle of black belts at our dojo with open arms.
So this week, as the fears have subsided into direct experience, I am simply struck by how our sense of self can be so easily knocked off balance.
And even more interesting, how hard we fight against that sense of loss. Although I'm not anxious to feel this way again, I hope the next time I'll have more patience to touch into it, and rather than fighting so hard against it (my martial arts push through it mentality), ease up and breathe (my yoga do less mentality).
So.... I'm still taking photos of shadows. Exploring how light casts darkness. Knowing there is not one without the other. The contrast is the balance. The balance is not always steady. Wavering is an aspect of balance. Falling is too.
What's really been a gift through these last three weeks is staying connected and commited to my practices: meditation, head stand, martial arts and making things.
May Magic Medicine be at your fingertips wherever you go.