death and dying

For a while at least, this may not be the most inspirational place in the universe. Death is a part of life. And has a lot of lessons to teach us, but is a bit tough to access unless you're in the midst of it. Which I most certainly am. And can admit, that when it hasn't touched me, I haven't been so compassionate about it.
I'm angry. Angry that a man who truly has touched so many lives with so much kindness and love, is dying slowly and without a great deal of dignity. It's hard to believe in a just god. Just as well that I'm a BuHuJew. All those Hindu dieties with all their arms and rage are much easier to believe in. And the Buddhist mantra "Gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi swaha" - which basically translates to "everything changes" - is much easier to swallow than the Judeo Christian ideology.
This is about the closest death and dying has come to me as a conscious adult. Larry's father has been slowly declining due to congestive heart failure for about a year. These are the last weeks, or days. I'm surprised at the grace that I've summoned from some unknown place. Goddess knows no one taught me how to be the light and life in a room filled with death. To find compassion and actually channel it for those who are suffering far more than me.
I give gratitude to Krishna Das, more than anyone for opening my heart to human suffering. A whole world opened up through chanting and kirtan. I wish there were a way to express my gratitude, to him and Neem Karoli Baba who is sending all the love straight thru him.
I'm into a few too many vodkas to express myself clearly enough. Perhaps another post in a more sober time.
There is a time and place for the bottle, and that time is now for me.
Right now I'm wallowing in anger. And that too is human after all.