it's another beautiful day in paradise.
i think this may be my most favorite time of year with hot days, cool mornings and nights.
and now that i've found a rhythm to my days, all is well.
it takes time to find a routine that works for us. especially when we are used to a day job, complete with commute, our days and our schedules are pretty much decided for us.
but when the day is our own, with no expectations other than those we set for ourselves it can be a challenge. given the blank space of time others load up on doctor's appointments, but that's the last place i want to be when the time is my own. so i struggled through a week or so of unsettled, what do i do with myself today, not even realizing that the rhythm would create itself out of nothingness, if i just gave it a little time.
did i mention i'm not good at making plans, appointments, and the like? i prefer an organic revealing. i like to see what happens. it's not that i'm not self directed or motivated. i am. but not in the obsessive compulsive way of our western society. i've been there. done that. to do lists, checked off methodically. it's just not my way. i don't find any joy in it, because it feels like a grammar school assignment given by a bad tempered teacher to keep kids in line and on their toes.
i want joy. it's that simple really. i don't see any reason not to enjoy life. so i find that even the tedious can become pleasant if approached in a gentle embracing way. which by the way, is not my way naturally. i have to work a little at it. i was raised to be anxious on dictims like: not to decide is to decide.
i am trying more and more to trust in the cycles of the seasons, the days and the self.
i'm just not always patient with them. the yard is a mess, the house is peeling inside and out. my husband, jokes that the porch often looks like appalacia. but there is creative energy to it all. a wabi sabi of natural process, and the beauty of decay.
i love old things. the patina. the cracks and the chips. the use. the love. the wonder.
when larry and i were recently married by ram dass in maui, larry asked him if he had to meditate, and what if anything he had to do. he was asking student to teacher for guidance and ram dass said he didn't have to do anything, he just had to live his life.
this is how we develop our patina i imagine, our cracks and chips. but more importantly, love and wonder. tears well up in my eyes in a moment of grace, a glimpse of how everything is exactly as it is meant to be and the overwhelming beauty of this and every moment. the ladies sitting chatting at the table next to me. the loud mouthed man with the huge pot belly speaking too loudly on his cell phone, storming out the door to find the phone number of the local pharmacy, and now more quietly walking back in, just as his order arrives at the table.
in this small cafe in this small town just miles from home i have found my pace. a morning cup of coffee, a delicious croissant, and my little fashion accessory, this bright red vivienne tam hp net book that i type away on happily, reconnecting to words, to myself, to the universe.
and so another pattern begins, a day falls into its thrum, and life unfolds in its own time.
i am reminded of a note i wrote to myself in the first days of a job i loved terribly and hoped would last forever: this is not a race, this is not a test.
may your day be filled with the magic medicine of your own true rhythms, rhymes and revealings.
No comments:
Post a Comment